Why cosmic forces alone are not to blame for unfair salaries
From: The Society for the Protection of the Intellectual Property Rights of Karma
To: Satya Nadella, chief executive, Microsoft
Dear Mr Nadella,
As chairman of the Society for the Protection of the Intellectual Property Rights of Karma (SPIPROK), I have been deluged by complaints about your unauthorized use of the term ‘karma’ and the, quite frankly, derogatory connection with female workers requesting pay rises. In case you have forgotten your words, let me enlighten you: ‘It’s not really about asking for the raise but knowing and having faith that the system will actually give you the right raises as you go along… because that’s good karma.’
We at SPIPROK are quite appalled that you would associate our principle of causality – where the intent and actions of individuals influence their future – with something as fundamental as remuneration. In doing so, not only do you attempt to shirk your responsibilities as an employer but you have also subjected the society to a potential class action. Thousands of workers will now erroneously believe they simply need to have faith in the system. If they are unhappy with their rewards, will they blame that on bad karma?
I recall a similar crisis that afflicted the Society for the Protection of Guardian Angels. The society filed for Chapter 11 after it lost a class action filed by disgruntled motorists. Their dissatisfaction was provoked after a leading actor discussed in a magazine interview how he never had trouble finding a parking place: he simply whispered to the guardian angel on his shoulder and, lo and behold, miraculously a space would appear on the next block. The actor omitted to mention that, in his case, the guardian angels were simply parking valets, who whisked away his car when he arrived at red carpet events or exclusive restaurants.
Motorists took to the roads in their droves, whispered to their guardian angels and mostly found themselves driving around in circles and, in some cases, incurring parking penalties. The class action alleged that their guardian angels were either idle or blind. The society fought back. The drivers’ safe journeys home, it pointed out, were evidence of their guardian angels’ duty of care; they had not failed their charges. And then, tragically, a drunk driver crashed while trusting his guardian angel to get him home safely. The defense was crushed, along with the society.
I will not allow such a travesty to befall us. We simply cannot have the global female workforce blaming karma for their salaries. SPIPROK is already at a disadvantage: women in the tech industry earn, on average, $6,358 less than their male colleagues; for women with one child, the shortfall is closer to $11,247, according to the American Institute for Economic Research. It just needs one to publicly attribute that inequality to karma, and the floodgates will open. But rest assured, if they do so we will take action to recover our losses from your estate. I note your remuneration package is worth more than $84 mn – did you trust the system to negotiate that?
Yours,
SPIPROK
