A happy addition to the C-suite

After a quarter of a century working as a journalist, I have decided a change in career is desperately needed, but it’s been hard to choose the next adventure. Journalism is so much fun, and I’ve met some fascinating people; the next career has to be equally compelling.

So I was thrilled when I spotted that the Belgian Ministry of Social Security employs a chief happiness officer (CHO). That’s it, I thought with a beaming smile. It’s perfect.

I just have to spread a little happiness. Heck, there’s even a song with that title; it can become my anthem. Perhaps I can find a geek (not a role I ever considered) capable of embedding my clothes with speakers that boom out my theme tune wherever I go.

Won’t that make shoppers smile as I stroll around the mall? And won’t it be endearing to fellow travelers as I jet across the world – oh, did I mention that I’m going for the global CHO position? Who wants to be a CHO in a small organization? Let them eat cake.

And even better, a CHO is bound to be part of the C-suite. I want to join that influential group. I’m so enthusiastic that I’ll even stop mentioning how the C-suite sounds like somewhere expectant mothers gather to give birth. I’m taking this seriously. I’ll look reflective when the chairman discusses strategy with the CEO, nod knowledgeably when he or she ponders figures with the CFO and stay awake when he or she checks on cyber stuff with the chief information officer. And when every board member laughs as the chairman asks me for an update on the happiness KPIs, I’ll know my work there is done.

Once I’d had my epiphany, it was time to find the ideal role for my unique skills. I scoured the ‘situations vacant’ adverts for global CHO positions, but sadly it seems they’re all currently filled, and the man at the job center misheard me and thought I wanted to be a police officer.

Was I downhearted? Not a bit of it – we global CHOs just turn our frowns upside down. It’s the first thing they teach you in Happiness School, apparently. Not that I’ve been, you understand, but I did consult the leading expert on the matter: Ronald McDonald.

He was the first person to be granted such a title back in 2003 and is considered a legend in our industry, although if I’m being honest, I think he’s a bit too obvious. What’s with the red nose, big boots and yellow jumpsuit? He’s like a refugee from Sesame Street. CHOs should stand out from the crowd by just living their mission statement as they go about their daily business.

Instead, I adopted a proactive approach. I conducted a serious analysis of the sectors in which I was interested, considered their public image and pondered what they could do to make me happy. Clothing manufacturers: put a size zero label in every garment, even the men’s. The confectionery industry: is calorie-free chocolate really impossible? Come on! You’ve had more than enough time to get it right. Alcohol: super-size bottles? And banks: have you never heard of ‘buy one, get one free’? Now to find a CEO who likes my ideas. Wish me luck!