Why don’t corporate people just say what they mean?
For the attention of human resources:
You asked that I put in writing the reasons for my sudden resignation, not even four weeks after being appointed to this position. I am genuinely saddened to be departing, particularly as it had been a long-standing dream to work for this company, but I stand by my decision.
I am leaving because – hmm, how can I put this politely? – I don’t understand a single word anyone says. I know they’re speaking English, and that is my mother tongue, but it is not an English I have ever heard before.
It started at the first management meeting I attended. My department head stood up and said he was going to share a ‘key learning’. Wow, I thought, thinking of the collection of keys I carry in my pocket: somebody has been able to teach these inanimate objects a new skill! Tap dancing, maybe? I knew this company was innovative, but this was beyond even my wildest imagination.
I never saw that key dance. Or even come out of his pocket for instructions. Instead, I came to realize that what he meant to say was ‘lesson’. Later on that day I was told that ‘our upgraded model now offers three-dimensional transitional alignment’. Each of those words I understand in isolation, but put them together…
I asked a colleague what it all meant. He rolled his eyes, before telling me to ‘get with the program’. What program? I asked. Sadly, I did understand the short word he then used – but I rather think it was out of context.
I certainly enjoyed meeting the marketing team. Apparently, it had a ‘clear road map’ for where we were going. Well, of course I offered to drive! I never thought of myself as a comedian before, but that’s what the team called me.
Everywhere I turned, people were using phrases that made no sense. Once I raised an issue at a meeting and was told ‘it was already on the radar’. How does that work? I asked. Surely radar is a detection system that determines range, altitude, direction and speed of objects? How can it detect the problems with our photocopier? Apparently, I’m such a joker.
People talked about ‘going forward’ and ‘touching base’. Well, of course I was outraged at the latter. Inappropriate predatory behavior should not be tolerated in the workplace. I was told to calm down, and that we should talk about it over a drink ‘at the end of play’. I thought it was the end of work when play began. When Gloria emailed she had ‘too much on my plate’ to respond to my query, I advised portion control. Having never met Gloria face to face, how could I know she had severe weight ‘issues’?
I’ve been told to ‘think outside the box’, ‘get the ball rolling’ and to ‘move the needle’. My boss has ‘run the numbers’ and ‘moved the goalposts’. And we’ve all been in ‘win-win’ situations’. Even your memo confused me. It stated your desire to ‘drill down’ into my reasons. I am not an oil well or even a mine. I am a confused human being.
But my decision has also been prompted by my desire for a career change. Following my colleagues’ reactions, I think I should turn to comedy. I am, after all, a ‘funny woman’.
