The impact of the UAE’s ban on the IR officer’s favorite mobile device
Scene: a meeting room in the United Arab Emirates.
Counselor: Ahlan wa Sahlan bekum, welcome to you all. It is my sincere pleasure to see so many new people at today’s session, although I am distressed that such a group of obviously successful people needs support. My friends, what has brought you to this point? Sir, perhaps you could enlighten me as to your problems?
Fred: Good morning, my name is Fred and I am an addict. Not that my friends understand my addiction; they think my latest problem is rather amusing. Your government certainly has no sympathy.
Counselor: I see. But my friend, surely you knew before you moved here that our religion prohibits the consumption of alcohol?
Fred: To be honest, with the hours I work as an IRO, I can live without alcohol. And now I’m happily married (and sober), any rules to do with non-marital sexual relations don’t apply.
Counselor: Were you addicted to the hookah? Are you finding it hard to cope with the ban on smoking in public places?
Fred: Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I think you’re rather barking up the wrong tree – although it was heartbreaking to leave Fido behind because of your government’s ban on bull terriers. Still, my wife’s shoe collection is enjoying the respite, so every cloud, eh? No, mine is not an addiction per se but rather an affliction. I am completely besotted with an inanimate object, and your government wants to part us.
Counselor: My goodness. You’re an objectum-sexual! I’ve heard of this phenomenon but never previously met a sufferer. Your wife is real, isn’t she? You’re not secretly united with a building that is about to be demolished, like that German lady who married the Berlin Wall? She once spoke about their ups and downs, including a tumultuous and emotional day in 1989 when a mob attacked her ‘husband’. Would you mind if I took notes?
Fred: What? Of course I’m not in love with a building! I’m not abnormal; ask Barack Obama. We’re both addicted to our BlackBerrys. It started out as a workplace tool but mine now runs my life. Indeed, I wouldn’t be here now if its calendar hadn’t beeped to alert me.
Counselor: Allah works in mysterious ways. I am truly blessed to have your company today and all the problems you bring.
Fred: It’s not a ‘problem’. But just because your government is unable to monitor my emails, it’s now planning to ban my BlackBerry. It’s an outrageous infringement of human liberties. It’s not as if I’m downloading porn; that’s prevented by our company’s systems.
Counselor: Praise to Allah! But why do you mind our government reading your emails?
Fred: Er, price-sensitive information? Duh! If my shareholders can’t know about transactions we’re working on, I’m not sure why your government has the right. We’ll have to look for ways around this ban. Who knows? We may have to revert to carrier pigeons. It’s illegal to cull them.
Counselor: Only a matter of time, my friend. A matter of time.
